“We know that the law is spiritual, but I am not. I am so human. Sin rules me as if I were its slave. I don’t understand why I act the way I do. I don’t do the good I want to do, and I do the evil I hate. And if I don’t want to do what I do, that means I agree that the law is good. But I am not really the one doing the evil. It is sin living in me that does it. Yes, I know that nothing good lives in me—I mean nothing good lives in the part of me that is not spiritual. I want to do what is good, but I don’t do it. I don’t do the good that I want to do. I do the evil that I don’t want to do. So, if I do what I don’t want to do, then I am not really the one doing it. It is the sin living in me that does it”
-Romans 7:14-20 ERV-
There was a time in my life when I was pretty confident as a Jesus follower. Not long time ago. It was two years ago when I decided to follow Jesus and to live the life that God has planned. I thought it’s going to be easy afterward. However, as I went through all the good and exciting things, all the bad and challenging things in my life, I knew it wasn’t easy to stay remain in the decision I’ve made.
I made mistake. I failed. I fell into sin. I was tempted and I gave in. I fell guilty then I regretted. I turned back and came to God, yet I did the same thing over and over. There was a time that I felt God is really far away. Now I realized, I was the one who has walked away from Him.
There was no consquence or punishment that I’ve got from human for what I’ve done secretly, yet He knew. He always knows. I’ve tried to manipulate my life and Him and eventually I ended up living miserably: living by standing on two boats. One foot in the boat called christianity and another foot in the boat called secularity. Yes, miserable. I’ve never stood still.
The consecuences then have come to my soul. Little by little I lost my confidence. I started to feel that my soul is shrinking out. I tried many times to “hide” and pretend that I was fine. I tried to fulfill my self with other things but God’s truth. Worse, I tried to comfort my self and to feel good about my self by finding resource that will approve that what I’ve experienced was normal and okay.
I’ve been living unpeacefully. I have lost. I’ve given in to a sinful life.
I need to be found again. I want to repent and change. I want to build up again everything that has been broken. I wanted to strengthen the foundation of my life: yes, the Truth. God’s word.
I want to start to commit to read through the Bible in a year. I’m longing to have close relationship with God again. I need to spend more time with Him everyday. I want to seek Him first everytime I wake up in the morning. I invite the Holy Spirit to come and take over my life and be the guide that I will follow.
Today is the first day.
I read Genesis 1-2, and Matthew 1 (I’m using an app as a guide). I got reminded that I was well created by God, Our Lord. Other creatures He made by giving commands but not for human being. When He made man and woman, He was personally involved. Then He wants us, you and me, to have relationship with Him, to honor Him, and to obey His command. He wants us to love him and love His people.
wandering 